Rayearth Summaries Get a Makeover
by Elektra-chan
Summary: The box summaries get altered. Warning, some profanity, lesbian overtones, and character bashing.


Authoress' Notes: This goofy piece of tripe was written shortly after finishing chapter one of 'Split in Two' (which will come out soon). I needed a break from all the drama. Hope you enjoy, as I've been working on summaries for Rayearth2 as well. Beware of incessant character bashing all over the place. No characters have been spared from my mighty pen!   
  
Oh yeah, and please don't take too much offense at the character bashing. I love Rayearth, and think it's a great anime. But those box summaries...they just screamed: 'ALTER ME!"  
  
Magic Knight Rayearth is property of CLAMP and Kodansha. I am naught but a lowly fangirl.  
  
DAYBREAK  
  
Level 1: Clef gives birth to the magic knights!!  
Princess Emeraude is in need of therapy. Zagato has imprisoned her in a mental hospital, but it isn't working. Master Mage Clef realizes that the magic knights will be needed for her proper treatment. Using the trace of mental capacity left in her, Emeraude summons Hikaru Shidou, Umi Ryuuzaki, and Fuu Hououji to Cephiro. Clef bestows some magic and thus a trio of improperly matured magic knights are born, and begin their long journey. Alcyone appears, tries to kill them, and fails.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Please save this world, oh legendary magic knights! Before I make every tree in Cephiro start snoring! -Princess Emeraude  
  
Level 2: Presea and the sheets of silence!!  
Poor Master Smith Presea hasn't had any good bumpin' fun in a long while. Clef gave her an assignment to make weapons for the three of them, but she only accepted this so she could have a chance to grind away. Finally, that day has come! After her long awaited night of fun, she leaves rest of the assignment to Makona. Alcyone begs Zagato to allow her to follow the knights, and fails.  
Quotes from this episode:  
These weapons aren't free, I want your clothing in return! -Presea  
  
Level 3: Ferio, the bottomless pit!!  
As Hikaru blows up all the monsters in their path, Umi and Fuu wander around the forest with Makona and encounter a swordsman named Ferio. After eating a twelve course meal, he gives them a couple bogus stories about his past and gets hungry again. After Ferio is finished eating again, Hikaru and Umi chase away some more monsters while the constipated Ferio gives Fuu an extensive pep talk so that she'll shoot an arrow at a rock.  
Quotes from this episode:  
You've got to ::gurgle:: believe in yourself! ::gurgle:: -Ferio  
  
Level 4: Alcyone, the Vengeful Fifth Wheel!  
In a town that's full of fifth wheels, it's difficult to spot Alcyone, but the knights manage and foil her anyway.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Go away! -Hikaru  
  
  
SUNRISE  
Level 5: Escudo, the legendary boulder!  
Hikaru, Umi and Fuu blow up a poisonous pond monster and reach the spring of Eterna. After they fight with a dog, a nerd, and a pair of nums, Alcyone shows up to watch the poison from the pond to take effect, but it doesn't work and the knights continue on their way.  
Quotes from this episode:  
I knew that incompetent knight would blow up that pond monster! Die magic knights! -Alcyone  
  
Level 6: Live's at stake! Presea's horny!  
Presea wants another night of fun, but Hikaru's not in the mood to today. However, they promise to join her in bed after she's done with the weapons. But Summoner Ascot sends in an evil caterpillar to get rid of that bumping smith once and for all! With doom looming over their beloved Presea, who's crabbing in the creation room making weapons, what can the girls do?  
Quotes from this episode:  
Adalante! That bumping smith wants to convert all the knights to dykeism! Go get her! -Ascot  
  
Level 7: Ferio's not full! A romance from dessert!  
Ferio meets up with Ascot and promises to help him out, claiming that he wants to be an incompetent summoner just like him! The girls walk into their trap, but Ferio saves them. Unfortunately for Ferio though, Ascot discovers his true intention of cleaning out the cupboards in the castle! Ascot decides to kill Ferio for these despicable plans, but Fuu arrives in time to save him and tell him how much she finds his appetite to be romantic!  
Quotes from this episode:  
Ferio's been captured, Ferio's been captured!! And I'm not going to feed him!! -Ascot  
  
Level 8: The Horrible Frap of Summoner Ascot  
Hikaru finds a cute little creature being attacked and saves it, and she begins to get emotionally attached to it. But this may prove painful the next day. As she prances in the flowers with it, it begins to ruthlessly fart and blow down the forest!  
Quotes from this episode:  
Hikaru! Kill that thing before our faces are completely black! -Umi  
  
  
NOON  
Level 9: The Magic Knights most retarded Crisis  
Umi wants to go home. She's the only one who finds Alcyone to be a frightening opponent. Unfortunately, Alcyone traps Hikaru and Fuu, leaving only Umi to deal with. The showdown to see who the biggest fifth wheel is begins!  
Quotes from this episode:  
Go away! -Alcyone  
  
Level 10: The Revival of Selece, the legendary pervert.  
The magic knights travel underwater to the shrine of the the perverted Rune God, Selece and Umi starts having hot flashes. As Makona insists that Umi is not going through menopause, Hikaru and Fuu battle with another big ugly monster. Umi revives the pervert by showing him her long and sexy legs.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Legendary Magic Knight! Display before me the true beauty of thine body that makes thee worthy of rousing me! -Selece  
  
Level 11: The legend of the retarded guardians of Cephiro!  
As the knights fly in a metal dish to a floating mountain, Zagato comes out and tries to blow them up but Emeraude teleports them to a random city for kicks and giggles. Ferio finds them tells them about how there are actually three guardians of Cephiro, who were made retarded by the mentally deteriorating princess Emeraude. Then Caldina sends in a bunch of town knobs to kill the knights, but Ferio distracts her by eating money.  
Quotes from this episode:  
There are three guardians of Cephiro, I've heard that one is a pervert, one cross-dresses, and the other steals glasses. I'm not sure what he does with them, but that's what I've heard. -Ferio  
  
Level 12: The miserly illusionist Caldina!  
As the three climb the mountain to the glasses shrine, Caldina lets one rip and the knights start seeing impossible things! The ground moves, trees fall, monsters arrive and they all agree they even saw master mage Clef trying to scratch his bung through all those robes! But after a while, Caldina runs out of gas and the knights realize she was trying to kill them and Umi promptly gets rid of her.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Master Mage Clef?! If you're that itchy, you should probably consider more effective ways of wiping! -Fuu  
  
TWILIGHT  
Level 13: The most nauseating thing in this world!  
After her previous failure, Caldina chows down some more beans for her next plan. After dropping her drawers and scaring away Fuu, Caldina then gains control of Umi and Hikaru and makes them attack their cowardly friend. But Fuu manages to hold back her friends and chatters at Caldina about each detail of their trials and tribulations thus far. Caldina finally gives up and promises Fuu she won't fart again if she shuts up.  
Quotes from this episode:  
And as we watch the Cephiran bumblebees dance through the yellow and white daisies we realize true beauty and importance of our journey and how much those bumblebees really need us… -Fuu  
  
Level 14: Hikaru's unyielding wish!  
Does anyone realize who the main character is supposed to be?! Poor Hikaru! The past episodes have been devoted to her camera-hogging friends! Hikaru loves to bump away her friends, but she also likes to prance around! Finally, a Cephiran has taken pity on the suffering knight and creates a monster to get rid of Umi and Fuu for awhile, or at least until Hikaru is done prancing and blows it up.  
Quotes from this episode:  
I have no knowledge as to what that light might be…but I have a sneaking suspicion… -Clef  
  
  
Level 15: The Second Rune-God: Windam, The Glasses Bandit!  
The magic knights finally made it to the glasses shrine in the sky, and decide to bump around with Ferio for the night. But when he arrives, he is accompanied by another avid bumping fan, which greatly disturbs Fuu. The next day, Ferio has indigestion so their new bumping friend stays there to treat him. They enter the shrine and Fuu comes face to face with that same meddling bumper, who turns out to be a minion of Zagato, sent to smash her glasses! As they fight, Windam becomes very proud of her defending her glasses and awakens to steal them.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Legendary Magic Knight! ::schlup:: Fetch me ::hiccup:: another pair! Hee hee -Windam  
Note: This particular summary was inspired by Dreiser's 'Pity the Fuu' fic.  
  
Level 16: A lame foe! Lafarga the castle knob!  
Umi gets captured by a monster and is saved by a tall swordsman named Lafarga, who is yet another minion of Zagato! However, the knights find out his embarrassing secret about how he is the last resort. As the girls laugh at him, Zagato's spell on him begins to break and he discovers his true identity as a castle knob!  
Quotes from this episode:  
You're nothing but a big lumbering knob who can't use magic and can't even scratch a couple of chicks who are rolling on the ground laughing at you! No wonder you're Zagato's last! -Umi  
  
MIDNIGHT  
Level 17: The truth about Zagato's pet!  
Innova loves his master…but realizes he will end up a fifth-wheel like Alcyone if he keeps blundering. Zagato changes him into his original form, the highest ranking magical creature. Fortunately for the knights, they find out his lone weakness of wasting too much time! And Hikaru slices his forehead.  
Quotes from this episode:  
I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you! Haa Ha Haaa Ha Ha!!! -Innova  
You dork. ::chop:: -Hikaru  
  
Level 18: The last Rune-God - Rayearth the cross-dresser!  
Zagato is out of pawns. When Hikaru gets separated to flap with the third retarded rune-god, Zagato shows up and strips Umi and Fuu of magic. As Hikaru prepares to give a speech on their quest thus far, Zagato strips her too. But Rayearth gets angry at him for taking away her armor and gives her new armor, complete with a ridiculous skirt and hundreds of useless ornaments just like him! Zagato promptly leaves to fetch his retarded spartan rune-god to have a showdown.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Young girl from another world, chicks should always utilize their right to wear armor, as I should with skirts! Nyerrr!!! -Rayearth  
  
Level 19: Showdown! The magic knights prance with Zagato!  
They are only minutes away from the mental hospital where Zagato has imprisoned princess Emeraude, but they will not go further without a fight! The four of them must fight for what they believe in! The princess begs Zagato to allow them to save Cephiro, but when the hospital walls start laughing at him, Zagato remains convinced that Emeraude must stay there. But with three against one, Zagato learns that the walls may be laughing longer than he expected.  
Quotes from this episode:  
Zagato, don't fight those chickadees! Master Bater Clef said they was here to help! -Emeraude  
  
Level 20: The unbelievable truth of the legendary magic knights!  
Finally at the end of their journey, the knights arrive at the castle to rescue the princess, who is spontaneously combusting in her cell. Just then, Clef explains to them that in order to save Cephiro, Princess Emeraude needs to have brain surgery, and the only ones allowed to operate on the princess are the magic knights. Emeraude goes under the knife, and as Hikaru and Umi botch and blunder, Fuu continues to use her healing spells after each "oops". After her operation, Princess Emeraude realizes that the three of them have given her another head and attacks them. Realizing that the princess will not be able to pray for Cephiro if she is upset about having another head, the knights are faced with a heart wrenching decision… to kill the princess, or to sacrifice any future bumping fun and die themselves?  
Quotes from this episode:  
How can I pray for the piece and stability of Cephiro while everyone is laughing at me?! Die you incompetent, worthless bitches! -Emeraude  
  
THE END  
Summaries for Rayearth 2 are in the works! :D 


End file.
